Revenge sounds so mean. ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Law...but you guys probably don't know about Cole's law, am I right? Mark Twain, "I was married by a judge. After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F. If you liked these then you should check out the unexpected twist this dude got when he needed Amazon chat support. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Looking for the best way to improve your mood or make your friends laugh?

All pro athletes are bilingual. Now I’m not sure.”, “Always borrow money from a pessimist. '” — Peter Kay. A lot of people don’t realize that. Money can’t buy you happiness? - Why do farts smell? When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people. - What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute? 1. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”. He smashed his nose.

Women should not have children after 35. I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. Humor. Any married person should forget their mistakes.

She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! - What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. Why do bees hum? I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Now that we have your attention, get our awesomely funny app from Apple App Store for free. Please remember to share this page. I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”, “I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day.

Absolutely hillarious stupid one-liners! "Because she couldn’t see … I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? - Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

You have a perception problem. - Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus. Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland? Golf Puns, One-Liners and Other Fast Laughs, Corny Dad Jokes We're Embarrassed to Admit Made Us Laugh, 30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants, These Funny Math Jokes Truly Have No Equal, 20 Of The Best Stick-Figure Family Car Window Decals Ever Made, 20 Stand up Comedians Who Totally Get What It's like to Be a Parent, Funny Political Quotes and Classic One-Liners, The 15 Funniest Harry Potter "Yo Mama" Jokes, Funny Father's Day Quotes to Make Dad Smile. I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child. ', Dad replies, 'We are your real parents, son. Focus on this awesome collection of funny one liners and pick out a few to rattle them off at the next friend get-together.

Some aren’t. But it’s still on the list.

Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. Relax, we've got your back. The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

Well, the flag is a big plus. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

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